Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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