You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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