I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
