Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
