Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
