im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
