You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I would ride that face into the sunset
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
