I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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