I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
