I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
