Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
