ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Little spoons don't ask big questions
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
