I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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