I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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