My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
