I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
