What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
only you would photoshop your dick
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
