I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
