well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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