You work out of a Hotel?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
