I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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