i already hear my dad disowning me
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
So squirting runs in the family.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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