wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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