These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
