You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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