just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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