so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
