upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The best revenge is premature balding
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
