Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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