all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
