Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
