For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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