"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
