Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize