did you get engaged???
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
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She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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