I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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