I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
