I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
