when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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