so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
All I want is dick and wine.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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