she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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