The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
