Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
