we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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