I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
