No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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