I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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