you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
