His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
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