i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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