I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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