I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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