people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
