I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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