My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Gay?
German.
Pity.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
