You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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